The Ouran Harem
by Loise
Summary: Renge presents Queen Haruhi, with the Ouran Harem. Humour and love.


**The Ouran Harem**

* * *

Queen Haruhi sighed. If only she could go back to the paperwork that was essential to running the Queendom instead of having to deal with the Renge's wild schemes. 

"What is it this time, Renge?" Haruhi said, exasperated.

"Ho ho ho!" Renge cackled, "It has come to my attention that the blushing queen of Ouran," and Renge winked at Haruhi. Resisting the urge to roll her eyes as Renge, Haruhi the not-blushing-queen merely grimaced. "It is your duty to carry on the line of your mother, and have a child."

_Oh so it was that again_, Haruhi thought. For the last year her Councillors and her father had been urging her to wed and to have a child. Haruhi couldn't really be concerned with the whole business. Especially when she had the pleasures of looking over all the paperwork the Queendom produced.

"It is my duty as Grand Vizier to help you hand pick a husband and thus I have looked over the entire Queendom for six choices."

"Hmm...?" Maybe it would be best to rotate the summer crops earlier this year. Yes, that looked to be a good idea.

"I have the honour to present to you, your majesty, the Ouran Harem!" Renge gushed.

"..."

"Mori and Honey!" A tall, darkly handsome man entered, a blond boy trailing behind him. "Kaoru and Hikaru!" They were twins, with slanted amused eyes. "Kyouya... and Tamaki!" A brunet with a sly smile entered followed by an attractive blond. Renge wiped away tears of joy as she gazed at Queen Haruhi. "Are you pleased my queen?"

It would probably be best to to increase the patrols around the perimeter as the city had been experiencing some unrest... "Oh! Yes, very nice, Renge." Haruhi smiled unsteadily at Renge. Wait, why were these people in here?

Renge bustled out of the room, pleased with the presentation of the Harem. Haruhi was more interested in the price of potatoes. It showed.

* * *

So here Haruhi was, wondering if she should just leave. But this was her throne room, not theirs and so she stayed. There was an awkward silence, one that Haruhi would later cherish before her new Ouran Harem released themselves on her. 

"Your majesty," said one twin, Hikaru, Haruhi was sure.

"We have the pleasure," said the other twin, Kaoru.

"To be at your disposal," they said together, bowing together, before raising their heads and smiling at her. For some reason, Haruhi had the urge to shift away.

"Do you like cake? I love cake!" Honey exclaimed.

"It's okay," Haruhi murmured.

Honey's eyes filled with tears. "Takashi!" And he crawled up the tall Mori's body, resting his head against Mori's shoulder.

"Um, cake is nice," Haruhi said.

"Yay!" Honey shouted, returning to his normal spirits. Mori still had not said a word.

"Hmm, on the journey to your Palace I went over the latest from the Treasury. I then formulated a plan that could increase the efficiency of the economy by 3.56." Kyouya said, smirking above shiny glasses.

"Yes?" Well, Haruhi mused, this one could be useful.

Her thought were interrupted by the last one presented. Tamaki, his name was.

"Sweet Queen, your beautiful eyes send me into spasms of joy. Your grace and wit, my dear, is higher than any mortal could aspire to." Tamaki smiled, roses forming behind his head.

"About the economy," Haruhi started, turning away from Tamaki and meeting Kyouya's eyes. No matter how much Kyouya was creepy, she was responsible for this Queendom.

She was unprepared for how Tamaki wilted and descended to the corner, a cloud of doom and shadow following him. Wait, was that a mushroom growing on his shoulder? Haruhi shook her head. She had much to do. After all, a Queendom didn't run on sugar and fluff.

* * *

"It's ridiculous! How could any fair lady be interested in percentages and figures when she could be having Grey Earl tea with me?" Tamaki fumed. "Such a lovely woman should not have to worry about that, she should be treated with delicacy. Raised high to experience all the pleasures of the world and to bring her closer to the heaven such an angel must have departed from..." Tamaki sighed mournfully. "Oh and stop laughing, you horrible twins!" He snapped childishly. 

To Tamaki's great frustration, Hikaru and Kaoru continued to laugh. Tamaki pouted, and though seriously of retreating to the corner again. His sulk increased when he remember that the fair Queen hadn't even commented when he had done so before in the throne room.

"This is all Kyouya's fault! He beguiled her with witty words, no wonder she was confused!" Tamaki exclaimed. "Come, twins, we must rescue our lovely Queen from the grasps of that meddling, figure peddling Kyouya!"

Kaoru and Hikaru exchanged mischievous glances, smirking identical grins. "Yes!" Agreed Hikaru, though Tamaki could not begin to guess which one was which.

"It could be fun!" Kaoru nodded. It was at this time that Tamaki should have been nervous about the expressions of their faces. But poor Tamaki was busy with the planning of the 'rescue' of Queen Haruhi.

* * *

It turned out that Honey and Mori were extremely talented marital artists. 

"How would you like to work with the city guard? The city has been experiencing some unrest and your help would be useful," Haruhi inquired.

Honey appeared to think upon this suggestion. "Would there be cake?" He asked, with all seriousness.

"Ah, yes?" Haruhi hesitantly agreed.

"Goody! I love cake!" Honey beamed up at her. Haruhi smiled back.

"But what about Mori?" Haruhi asked.

"I would like to work with the city guard," Mori said calmly.

Haruhi jumped, surprised that the silent Mori had spoken. "Ah? That's good news."

As Mori and Honey walked off to their new duties, Haruhi felt that maybe this whole situation would turn out for the best.

Later she would regret her foolishness and naivety.

* * *

"My Darling Queen!" Tamaki called out, wearing a dashing ensemble that highlighted his good looks. He smiled warmly at Haruhi. 

She deliberately turned away from him. Tamaki's lips quivered. The twins cackled, and walked past Tamaki and hooked their arms around Haruhi's.

"Want to play a game, your majesty?"

"All you have to do - "

"Is guess which one is Hikaru - "

"And which one is Kaoru!" They smiled at her.

Haruhi sighed. "You, are Hikaru," she pointed at him, not noticing how their smiles slipped. "And you are Kaoru. It's easy to see. You're similar, but not the same." She got out of their hands, walking forward, away from Tamaki and the twins.

Kaoru and Hikaru stared after her.

"How did she know?" Whispered Hikaru, sounding lost. Kaoru bit his lip and shook his head in confusion. He didn't have a clue either.

No one had ever guessed correctly, but Haruhi had.

* * *

"Dear Haruhi, your wisdom and beauty transcends the mere barriers of earth. Surely your grace and light must have come from another world." 

Again, Haruhi turned her back on Tamaki and walked quickly away.

Tamaki frowned. This was not going according to plan. Perhaps he would have to see Renge. He shivered slightly, with some fear.

* * *

"OH! Ho Ho ho!" She laughed like a loon. Tamaki was too afraid to say that but. And too polite, to say that to a lady. "You wish to ensnare the heart of the fair queen, Haruhi?" 

"Uh, yes, yes I do!" Tamaki nodded firmly, for a moment lost in thought of the enchanting features of the queen. Her wide brown eyes, her graceful figure, her Haruhiness.

Some where, some where, Haruhi sneezed.

Renge smiled and leaned back in her massive, motorised chair. "I can help you, Tamaki, for a price." And she laughed again.

It took much of Tamaki's composure not to shiver in fright and run far away.

* * *

So... flowers hadn't worked. 

Neither had the chocolates.

Or the troupe of serenading dwarfs.

Maybe that had been too much.

Tamaki could have sworn she would have loved the prancing ponies.

They had practiced especially hard to declare his love for her.

The milk maids and the shepard's had been most devastated when Haruhi had turned away from their simple country dances and songs.

Perhaps a little too crude...

But it was the thought that counted!

Even the dog messengers hadn't worked.

All his plans had been fruitless.

Haruhiless.

What to do now?

* * *

He was moping. Sighing dreadfully around the palace and sending her glances filled with heavy meaning and despair and desperate longing. 

It was all faintly disturbing. Haruhi considered his behaviour remarkably useless. If only he would do something instead of those displays.

Really, what could a person say to a bunch of small horses doing some silly footwork? Or the country people and their... folk music? Even the chocolates had been too sweet.

With a barely restrained sigh, Haruhi turned back to the tables filled with neat script and figures. There was a Queendom to run after all. Tamaki as to be left to another day.

* * *

"It seems my plans did not work to the timetable," Renge said sadly to Kyouya. 

"I don't believe that Haruhi is the type of person to fall in love due to the chanting of dwarfs. No matter how rhythmic," Kyouya adjusted his glasses, sliding them up his nose. He made a note in his folder and glanced at Renge. "You have another idea, then?"

Renge smiled. "Oh yes. It's no fun to see Tamaki mope, he's not the most princely character after all. Haruhi is slipping, her paperwork is piling up too."

"Behind 3.4. It's unfortunate." Kyouya murmured. "Are you going to provide proper motivation for the Queen?"

"Dear Kyouya, the very reason you are here is for propagation! You're the Ouran Harem after all!" Renge laughed, "I would have preferred it if you shared you attentions with the Queen more liberally, but she seems fixated on Tamaki."

"... Yes," Kyouya made another note.

Never underestimate Renge. A person doesn't get to be Vizier without some backstabbing and manipulation.

* * *

The twins turned instantly suspicious as both Renge and Kyouya approached them. "What do you want?" They said together, eyeing possible escape routes. 

"It's out the Queen and Tamaki..." Kyouya started.

"Yes! Something simply must be done about the matter!" Renge declared.

"Haru-chan doesn't want to eat cake any more," Honey murmured. Renge jumped and spun around. Honey was clutching his Bunny, while Mori stood behind him.

"Uh, yes, cake! The crux of the matter is that Haruhi and Tamaki - "

"Are silly?" Honey nodded. "Tama-chan isn't being his usual self at all!"

"That is right!" Renge nodded. "That is why - "

"We need a plan!" Said Hikaru. Kaoru pouted.

"You're just more interested in those two than me..." Kaoru murmured, a hand flung to his face in a desperate gesture.

"No!" The twins embraced. "Only you, Kaoru."

"Brotherly love!" Renge exclaimed, hands held close to her heart. She shook her head, "Now that is settled, I have one last plan that I have been keeping just for now..." Renge smirked.

The Ouran Harem refused to quail under her gleeful visage.

* * *

"I'm not sure if this is going to work..." Kaoru murmured, staring at the bubbling, frothing container with a worried expression. 

"Are you sure it isn't poison?" Hikaru squinted at it, wrinkling his nose. "It sure smells strange. And I'm not liquid should form those shapes." He shuddered as the potion appeared to wave at the Ouran Harem.

"Of course I'm sure! Potions are my speciality, I know ones that will make your little finger's nail grow crooked to more devious ones," she smiled, looking smug. "This potion is sure to get Tamaki and the Queen to confess their love for each other."

"Hmm, it had better, Renge," Kyouya murmured, making a note in folder. "If things don't look up, I may have to decrease your wage."

Renge certainly became more determined after that.

* * *

Haruhi sipped the potion absentmindedly. Renge smirked behind her, elaborately clad in a maid outfit. "The Manager to the Shadow King, the Queen has taken the bait..." She whispered into the microphone, tossing her hair with a wink. It didn't matter that no one was watching. 

"Shadow King to the Manager, the Fool has also taken the bait."

Both reflected that it wasn't a good idea to let the twins to give Tamaki a secret code name, no matter how fitting.

* * *

"Hikaru?" 

"Yes, Kaoru?"

"What exactly does the potion do?" Kaoru asked.

"I don't know," Hikaru murmured. "It was all Renge's idea... to get Haruhi and Tamaki together with the aid of the potion."

They exchange glances.

"Uh oh..." Honey whispered to Mori. "Something may go wrong."

Mori nodded.

* * *

When Haruhi woke up, someone was nuzzling against her stomach. "Um." Haruhi said. That had better be a puppy, she thought. 

"Uh, mmm," murmured, grunted Tamaki. To Haruhi, it was faintly disturbing. Tamaki turned out to be a cuddler. Haruhi wasn't surprised.

"Wake up," she said and then poked him in the side. "You're heavy."

Tamaki groaned and rolled on his side, "But Mama! It's too early, just five more minutes..."

"Stop this. At once. Tamaki!" Haruhi yelped. To her relief, Tamaki opened his eyes and looked at her. He blinked. She blinked back.

"Oh," Tamaki looked down. "Oh. Haruhi!" Tamaki blushed a rosy red. "We're in bed together!" He whispered, "It will be a great scandal!"

Haruhi refused to roll her eyes, despite the great urge. "Yes. That's so. Now get off. You're far too heavy. Have you been easting Honey's cake? You must have gained some weight..."

"I am not fat! I'm perfectly proportioned! In every way!" For some reason, unknown to Haruhi, that made Tamaki blush even a brighter pink.

"Is that so? Well, off!" Haruhi demanded. Tamaki got off her and looked around.

"It's strange. There are no doors or windows." He mused, rubbing as his neck and yawning.

"I'm going to miss my one o'clock appointment," Haruhi said. "Hmm, I don't even know what time it is."

"So, what are we going to do?" Tamaki asked. "How did we get here? Why were we in bed?"

"I can imagine only one person so manipulative and scheming," Haruhi said, staring at the stone walls with a frown on her face.

"Kyouya?"

"No, Renge. I suppose there are two people now... How, unexpected." Haruhi mused, tilting her head to one side. "I did not think that was possible."

* * *

"It doesn't look like true love is happening..." Kaoru murmured, staring at the screen displaying Tamaki and Haruhi together. He yawned. 

"It's boring. They're not even saying something naughty or interesting," Hikaru added.

"Oh, Oh! That will change. I haven't even released the love vapours," Renge smiled, eyes lighting up delightedly.

"Love... vapours?" Asked Honey, he looked at Mori.

"No, Mitsukini, we will not use that for your brother and my brother." Mori said.

Honey sighed. "Okay. Cake?"

Mori handed him a slice. Then the rest of the cake when Honey pouted.

Kyouya made another note in his folder. Honey's and Mori's brothers? How intriguing.

* * *

"It smells like pineapples in here," Haruhi said blandly. 

"Really? More bananas and passion fruit to me," Tamaki said.

There was a pause. Haruhi sniffed at the air. "No. Pineapple. I'm sure of it."

"Apple, orange, blueberry, kiwi fruit, mandarin, peach, nectarine - "

"What are you babbling about?" Haruhi interrupted.

"Fruit. I'm hungry." Tamaki murmured, he rubbed at his stomach. "I wish that fruit over there wasn't wax."

"It isn't wax," Haruhi said.

"How do you know?" Tamaki asked suspiciously.

"Wax fruit is banned in this Queendom three hundred years ago. The punishment is exile for importing, and life in prison for having on your body or in your household," Haruhi said.

Tamaki was quiet for several long moments. He considered retreating to the corner to grow mushrooms but ultimately decided against it. "That's a weird law." But he got up and grabbed a bunch of grapes. "Want one, Haruhi?"

She nodded. He passed her some after tearing a few off the main stem. Their fingers brushed. Tamaki smiled, fingers fumbling. Haruhi popped one in her mouth. "Thank you. They're nice. Sweet."

He smiled. "That's good!"

They both didn't see that there were no pineapples on the fruit platter as the scent continued to waft cheerfully around the chamber. Tamaki and Haruhi continued to chat, freer and more care free than before.

* * *

"This boring." Haruhi said. "there are so many things I could be doing. Drafting the new wheel barrow law, overseeing the courts, inspecting the treasury..." 

"How about we play I Spy again?" Tamaki asked, bouncing on the bed.

"We've played in three hundred and twenty seven times, Tamaki," Haruhi grated out.

"Were you counting? Well, we can still find something to do..."

"Maybe I could pull out my hair, one strand at a time," Haruhi mused.

"No, no, no! You can't do that Haruhi!" Tamaki exclaimed. "It's your maiden glory!"

"My maiden glory?" Haruhi said slowly.

"Yes!" Tamaki bounced on the bed again, overcome with excitement.

"Hmm... Really," Haruhi shifted closer to Tamaki.

The kiss was a surprise, but that didn't stop him from kissing her back with all of his pent up enthusiasm.

* * *

It took three weeks for them to confess but Renge felt it was worthwhile notwithstanding the three year imprisonment. 

The Ouran Harem had saved the day! Renge smiled, perhaps it was time to turn them into a sentai group...

At once, The Ouran Harem sneezed at the same time.

* * *

Tamaki and Haruhi lived more or less happily ever after.

* * *

AN I hope you liked! It was a bit different from what I usually write but I had fun writing The Ouran Harem and seeing what would happen. Thank you for reading, and reviewing. 


End file.
